Zombies and Morons compete

Mamoun Mubarak al-Dreby, a specialist in psychoanalysis explained to Arabstoday the conflict between the father and mother on who will raise the kids and who will decide their fate. He claims the problem falls under psychoanalysis theory of “compensating underachievement in reproduction." This means the underachieving person who cannot achieve academic, social or professional success is trying to search for success in child raising because it’s the easy way for him/her. In this interview we will discover how parents should deal with their child so they can acquire a balanced personality, how to face life with its various challenges, when to be soft or harsh and whether a parent should raise his/her kid the way they want and according to their own perspective or whether they should work together in raising them. Arabstoday Is the mother or father the mainstay of the family? Mamoun Mubarak al-Dreby: Most notably, the child has an impression about his father that he is the strongest, the most knowledgeable, the most capable, the one to give orders and prohibitions and face all kinds of events. Usually the child says whatever he wants to his parents but he sees his father as the source of security and that he owes him for being secured as his family members resort to the father in difficult issues and sensitive situations. The father faces problems because he wants to protect this role in the family and refuse or accept the mother’s way in raising the kids as she is spending more time with them in comparison with him. This battle for control from both of them needs to stop in order not to lead to the kid having a "double deal problem." AT: What is the role of the wider family? MMD: Other than the nuclear family, the extended family such as grandparents, uncles and aunts affect the formation of the child's personality. If the grandfather, grandmother or other relatives are interfering in his upbringing it creates confusion because grandparents will give their experience and previous experiences which may not be suitable for this age, resulting in confusion of their children and over petting them. Parents should pay attention to this important point and take advantage of those who are older than them to teach them on generosity, a love of helping others and the characteristics of ethics. AT: How should the father and mother act around their child? MMD: The actions of the parents in the upbringing of the child is fundamental in keeping the correct connection between the two without conflict. It is important for the child to begin acquiring good habits, values and principles, which will accompany him throughout his life. I do not agree with parents that everyone tries to attract his son or his daughter to him, what is important is the child's feeling that his parents love him and care about and he is their first concern. The mother should listen to her baby and care about his problems as well as the father who should give time to talk with his kids and let them recognise his importance and know that the father is not a little boy Parents should work together and not allow something that the other has refused. For example, if the mother refused to let the kid play in the street, the father should confirm the mother’s wishes and not ignore it and try to win the kids affection through leniancy. If the father is lenient it will make the child continue their childish behaviour of relying on their father to support his decisions and vice versa, meaning that the mother may do the same and this is a big mistake that parents commit. AT: Should parents aim to lead their children or befriend them? MMD: This conflict in raising kids is a “zombie and moron competition”, the zombie doesn’t have his own achievement, so he competes to achieve it in his child. The mix between raising a child and achieving success is a difficult problem. Raising a kid is to teach it morals, cleanliness, respecting others, carrying responsibility, listening, following commands and to be a good model for what you are teaching him. It’s not possible to say something and do the contrary. In the context of a shepherd, should he precede his sheep, make them follow him or come after him? Of course not, he follows them and protects them from foxes and dogs but he leaves a distance between them. AT: Why do some parents try and control their children? MMD: If the parents lack property, the child becomes the most expensive thing they have and this is wrong because children are not property. Gibran Khalil Gibran said in his book "The Prophet:" "Your children aren't your children, they are children of life." We as parents should become close to our kids and know their interests. If a child has artistic or literary tendencies take his hand and help him to achieve his dream. AT: Who is naturally in charge of child raising? MMD: There are stages for child raising, the first is being a baby then childhood, major childhood and finally adolescence. In the infant stage and before it in the fetal stage the child is very attached to the mother. This gives the mother priority by nature and the father finds himself in second place after her. However the masculine culture in Arab communities gives the father the right to control everything without justification and this is the reason for problems in the Arab community and actually there is no difference between males and females in mind, intelligence, physical structure and emotional composition. It states in Qur’an: “The male is not like the female,” it did not say: “The man is not like the woman” and Qur’an expressions are very precise. It means that the masculine frame is not like the feminine, not that women are less intelligent. To those who believe this we can say: who raised man? The same can be said of those who quote the prophet that: “Women have incomplete minds and religion,” this is wrong because incomplete of religion means in the menstrual period that she is not praying or fasting. Incomplete of the mind did not mean intelligence, but the ability to concentrate which is decreased during her menstrual period because of the decreased levels of iron in her blood. I want to say to fathers to be patient and let the kids involve their mothers, the role of women is crucial in the life and the formation of the child. The fetus pillows the liver of his mother while his second half lies on her spleen. His ears hear nothing but her heart beat. This intimate natural relationship makes the mother eligible to take care of the child. The father's role starts at the beginning of the minor childhood at the age of three and half years when the father has a relation with his son, free of domination, pressure, intimidation and orders. The relation should be nourished with love and intimacy.young children have three needs: playing, eating and sleeping. A father playing with the child's favorite toys, sharing food and sleeping beside him will surely let the child get closer to his father.